We Aim to Please
But somehow… this incredible treat of wanting to see a smile on another’s face, to feel the gratitude and delight another begets from our giving can turn into a vicious cycle of endless desire and need for confirmation, attention and approval. Suddenly our actions are not done in sincerity, with a true loving heart wishing to share its overflow, but a bottomless pit of despair needing to be validated and loved.
The same act just different colors. Two very polar experiences. When we give in order to please we turn ourselves into a thing, a useful instrument that has value and should be evaluated by another. When we seek validation, in the act of wanting to be valued, validated, we lose our self worth. In other words we put ourselves on the market. The deeper challenge lies in the fact we are truly priceless. To ourselves and to others. There is truly no such thing as self worth.
When we fall into the trap of evaluation, of considering value and worth, we trap ourselves in a vicious cycle of worry and anxiety. We worry that we are worthless, and thus further amplify our fear of being undervalued and therefore worry further that our worry of our worthlessness makes us seem unworthy and feeds a deeper need for validation. We then feel trapped in our need for validation and further our pain and ask for further validation… that is a vicious cycle.
We are conflicted. We need to be told we are worthy so we can feel our own worth so we can stop asking to be validated and evaluated. “As soon as I know that you like me” says the mind, “I will stop asking for you to tell me…”. As soon as I will have the reassurance that I am loved by you, I know, I just know, that I will not need to be reassured any more. And yet… as we know we manipulate the other to offer the reassurance we seek, “Do you love me? Really? You really do?” even when we receive the answers we crave, we know deeply — how can it be real? How can I trust those answers, I was bending your arm to say those words back to me…
The magic of liberating your heart from such vicious cycles lies not in the other. Even if they would offer the most genuine expression of love, reassurance and support, you… your mind and your fears will convince you otherwise. You will find a way to twist your reality, you will look for evidence to support you worthless sense of being. To prove you are unlovable. That you cannot be loved and cannot be truly worthy of another. Liberation from this cycle lies in accepting your worthlessness. Understanding you have no value whatsoever. You are good for nothing.
The mind always seeks purpose. Which is another way of seeking value and validation. As long as my actions fit into a higher invisible plan, as long as my challenges and tribulations serve some unknown higher purpose I feel safe. I no longer fear the grappling hold of the unknown.
But if there is no purpose, nothing to hold on to, no clear direction or goal, you’ll find yourself within the ocean of uncertainty. Nothing to hold on to. But in that nothing my friend, lies your freedom. Absolute potential to be and become whoever you wish to be. It is an invitation to be a painting, a poem, a dance. An invitation to live your life as an artistic expression. Art holds no value but infinite meaning. The meaning is given by the beholder not the artist. When you share you soul with another as an expression of the divine artist within you, you’ll lose the purpose of validating yourself; you’ll lose the purpose of offering value, and give the gift of a life filled with meaning.
The more worthless you allow yourself to be, the more precious moments in your presence will become. The more you allow nothingness to fill the void of your heart, the more overflowing it will become. You will no longer sing but become a song. You will no longer be a poet… you will become the poem. You will cease to try and enjoy but become a medium of enjoyment.
You’ll stop trying to evaluate your own worth and in that, my friend, you’ll be priceless. Unique, one of a kind. You’ll stop seeking for love and become love itself. When you empty your cup and surrender to knowing you will never know yourself, you my friend, will know all. You will stop seeking proof from others and become a celebration of life itself in you. Be nothing my friend, be nothing.