A few months ago, so it seems, my astrology has shifted. The stars have chosen to align differently, and I’ve gone through a relation-shift. My cosmos has shrunk and I found myself in the midst of a singularity event. In other words, I became single.
I’m single, that is my “official status”. But the term single seems so odd and alienating to me. It seems to imply a sense of separation, of aloneness, as if I’m singled out… In a way I feel there’s a sense that being single is just a stepping stone towards something else… towards being coupled or married, or “in a relationship”. So one is single for a period time, waiting for that diminishing title to shift into a more luxurious one. As if eventually, after years of study, you’d get your “Dr.” added to your name.
But wait… it gets curiouser and curiouser. When we follow the dictionary definition we find:
- only one; not one of several.
- unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.”
Why not of several? Do I cease to belong the human race? Do I lose status as being a part of something greater? Declaring that from now on, I’m only one… just me, myself and I. All of my social identifications, my pledge of allegiance and my fan clubs have to be renounced. For those usually, imply some sense of “several”.
But the second definition is even better. First obviously, being single has to mean unmarried. As if within a marriage the sense of connection and togetherness is guaranteed. You’re married – thus you are no longer alone. Or even deeper, one title or another, a declared status will affect our innate feelings of loneliness or connection. But it does go further. “Not involved in a stable sexual relationship”. Wow, dictionary, you definitely have a shaming, judging way about your choice of words. So now we define connection around stability. What is a stable sexual relationship? Does that imply a numeric value? A qualitative grade of performance? A sense of punctuality in the set times of “sexual” encounters?
And so I find that these labels, these definitions have greatly added to the sense of confusion I feel around my choices around intimacy, sexuality, connection and relating. We all “know” what single means. Or even further, we assume what being single implies, to ourselves, and to those around us.
For the past two years or so, I’ve been in a growth-full, full-spectrum, all-encompassing relationship. Highs and lows, depth of pleasure and of challenge. I got to learn more of who I am, individually and with a partner. We were both fully committed to each other but perhaps not so much to ourselves. As we decided to walk towards different horizons, and as the sense of longing for each other kept growing, a deeper sense of exploration and depth of an inner journey has begun to emerge. Asking better questions, wishing for more fulfilling answers.
Instead of looking for a quick shift in pain, finding someone else to ease the uncomfortable “status” of singlehood, I’ve decided to pause and feel. I’ve been “In a Relationship” most of my life. I’m finding, though, that in almost each and every case, going into a relationship meant leaving my status as “single” behind. I would redefine my sense of self, and recreate one which is more “we” minded. My choices became “our” choices, my thoughts, my considerations, and actions were “we” centered.
In the “new-agey” type scene, the term from ‘Me to We’ is a wonderful meme. However, I find, that at least for me, losing my sense of Me is usually followed by a weak and eventually fading sense of We. I find, that in losing my own center, the expanded sense of ‘us’ can no longer hold its sense of wholeness and will eventually collapse.
What I’ve decided to explore, is not a different type of relating, I don’t want to try polyamory, or non-monogamy, or a different person to be monogamous with, I decided to try and go from a defined, maybe even expected sense of We, to a more wholesome, refined sense of Me.
Where my definitions come from an inquisitive state and nothing else. Where my sense of completion, purpose, and passions are truly driven from the inside out. I don’t believe that the way to We has to diminish the embodiment Me. I want to explore a strong, pulsating, sexually and sensually inspired sense of self. A connected reality where intimacy is an expression of art, friendship, depth and freedom and not a commodity or a false sense of safety and comfort.
And so, needing an articulated sense of form, I was looking for a different term to describe my new found field of study. As I renounce being “single” I’ve found that what feels right, on point, and within integrity would be:
- The state of being singular, distinct, peculiar, uncommon or unusual.
- A point where all parallel lines meet.”
Being singular, it seems, is a state, not a status. It is a form of consciousness, of being-ness. To me that feels more like a form of organic expression, meaning, blossoming from the inside out. Being singular is distinct, it is my own as well as it is yours. My singularity does not imply a “status”. Does not affect anyone else but me. It implies my own form and choices and nothing else. Being singular does not exclude connections, relationships, love or intimacy. And further more, singular means peculiar, uncommon, unusual – aren’t we all just that? Unique and singular snow flakes, specks of brilliance within the universal current of harmony? We are miracles after all, nothing common about the human heart, nothing usual about being embodied within this magnificent masterpiece of awareness and choice.
“A point where all parallel lines meet”. Hmm. A Zen Koan. Perfectly imperfect and implies expansion. Once again, we find, that singular, allows for individual growth. Each line directed towards its own inspiring sun. Converging in choice, and meeting with freedom. Unaffected, yet, deeply inspired. In color, in intensity, in form, and in angle. We each walk our own path. We find our sense of direction in the inspired choices we each make every single moment. We allow ourselves to be influenced, but even that, comes, it seems, from the freedom of will and the choices of heart. When I choose to interact with you, allowing my line to cross, converge or even merge for a while, it is within my freedom to choose so. However, I do remain singular. I allow for the meeting of parallel experiences within the core of my being, staying in choice and within my own sense of sovereignty.
So apart from the social norms, and religious propaganda, I ask – what stands in my own way to choose a life of singularity. First, I have noticed, I diagnose myself with having ‘FONC’. I seem to fonc quite often. Fonc is the ‘Fear of No Commitment’. I have been brought up to believe that intimacy is found only within the frame of a committed structure. The notion that for me to allow for an intimate encounter, and more so, to have that intimate encounter mean depth and connection, it has to happen within the confines of well-defined and structured relationship. That same form of relationship that changes your status from ‘Single’ to anything else. It seems that intimate encounters that are found to be outside of that definition would be titled a “one-night stand”, not “serious”, “shallow”, “meaningless”, “not sacred” and would usually involve some form of name calling, shaming and guilt.
I know that I don’t have fear of commitment, I’ve lived within commitment fully, with integrity and purpose for most of my adult life. I have never, however, committed to exploring commitments without a very defined structure. I have never explored painting outside the lines, where to begin with, there are no lines. However, I have never truly committed to my own sense of sovereignty. I never tried to explore being in my utmost yes and the fullest expression of my own integrity and heart’s fullest desires.
There are many layers to this exploration. First would probably be a declaration of intent, and clarity of motives. But for those to truly be authentic, we have to reject self-rejection, self-shaming, guilt, and fear. For most of us, almost an impossible feat. Imagining a reality, where you can choose and act with no limit. And even more so, a reality where your choices and desires are met with ease and grace. So within that imaginary scenario, what comes up? What do I want? What in my core, in my full process of acceptance of who I am, I truly, truly, want?
Assuming I do have an answer, how do I communicate these intents. I am well aware that these explorations and this point of view isn’t so common. It’s quite… no pun intended, singular.
Aware of my own limiting beliefs for most of my life, I understand the complexity of what I wishing to explore. I am aware of the emotional dynamics, the gender constructs, the societal and parental influences. Being singular… isn’t, I’m finding, for the faint of heart.
I feel in a way, like an explorer, charting my own map as I’m carving my way through the thick of the jungle. My own jungle that is. My own emotions, thought patterns and social constructs.
Finding others to walk these uncharted lands with me, might be a challenging experience. However, I am determined, more than ever before, to be true to my own calling. To allow and accept the journey as it unfolds before me.
I want and value freedom and sovereignty above all else.
I want and value authenticity and integrity.
I want and value intimacy and connection.
I want and value heart centered living.
I want and value passion and depth.
I want and value togetherness and community.
How? when? where and with whom? — I trust in the unfoldment of life. I trust in asking more questions and allowing more answers to be revealed. How? When? where and with whom? — I trust in my inner compass, navigating my heart towards the horizon of adventure and passion. How? when? where and with whom? – I trust in my own knowing and intuitive soul to bring me further along my path towards falling in love, first and foremost, with myself.
To be continued.