Be if I want to. It seems that something like 39 years ago a miracle has happened. A truly unexplained phenomenon. I came out and greeted the world. At the time, as far as I can remember, everything seemed like a marvelous show of light, sound, touch and color. I would be lifted and swung around. Bizarre creatures were looking at me making even weirder sounds. My body was making weird noises and strange things were often coming out from different sides. What I do recall very vividly is a sense of awe. Of absolute wonder towards everything transpiring around me.
Though others looked at me as if I am tiny, I felt like the emperor of it all. Very quickly I realized that those around me tend to each and every command. “Feed me!” I would yell with the fervor a ruler! “Bathe me! Clothe me! “Give me large plush animals!”.
All was given. My house, my rules. I would be taken on display, referred to as God’s greatest gift. Complimented day in day out, every move I made and every gesture was celebrated. Every step I made was immediately delivered as high news in the kingdom. He said this or that; he did that or the other.
I had hordes of paparazzi, shooting me in any and every pose. (Yes… some nude photos were taken in those days too). It seems that those days were my days of glory. I had not a worry nor concern. Life was simple back then. I literally had servants, wiping my … every need.
My kingdom was far and wide and my citizens – a plenty. I would be taken on daily excursions. To the safaris and to the oceans. To the lush gardens and the mighty wide desert. My servants spared no expense on my behalf. I was loved and revered, honored and respected.
I don’t recall the exact moment, but suddenly, a ruler from a neighboring kingdom has appeared. Another, and another, and yet… one more. My supremacy was challenged. Often, in the gardens of my kingdom, a horse would be snatched, or a truck stolen! I was asked to share of my vast treasury and consider the well being of the nearby monarchies. At the time a very foreign concept.
As it seemed to my parents that I could carry my own weight, and “hold my own”, my parents, who I thought till then were my servants, started stepping back. I started hearing a word I haven’t heard before… “No”. I was denied service! My requests went unanswered! My frustration grew and with it an understanding that it is up to me to enforce my rule and assert my kingdom! Though still loved and often adored, a harsh reality started to set in! I am not the high ruler I thought I was! Those large creatures seemed to taken the liberty in determining who and what I was to become.
The next few years were extremely confusing. My body kept on going through extreme transformations. Certain parts seemed to have developed a mind of their own. With their own desires and demands. At times getting me into much trouble. Yet also ensuring I play nicely with near-by empresses. I developed alliances and friendships with other kings and queens, declared war on others and learned the strategies of the art of war and the art of peace. I grew to learn the harsh reality – mine is but one of many a kingdom. I am surrounded!
One cold rainy night, a deep calling awakened me to seek the Holy Grail. Realizing that holding on to the rules of ruling wasn’t truly in my highest. That maintaining court wasn’t truly what my heart desired most. I developed an interesting sense that this experience of all that I can survey, witnessing the strategies of maintaining a kingdom are not truly what life has in store for me. I began walking a spiritual journey. A pilgrimage. Seeking for what at the time seemed like an evading, slippery truth. Something beyond my immediate reach.
I was twelve when I encountered for the first time, the teachings of Gautama the Buddha. That encounter would change the course of my life forever. Leading to hunger for devouring any and every spiritual truth I could lay my heart upon. Book after book, religion after religion. Seminars and workshops, retreats and oh so many teachers. Where rests that elusive answer. What would it take to sooth my questing spirit?
After much milling about, and countless philosophies I lowered my guard and have chosen to walk beneath the rule of another. A false teacher who eventually taught me more than any other to listen to my heart’s own voice. For more than a decade, I was devoted to living in his shadow. In service to a cruel and unjust monarch I was “breaking my ego”. Trying to demolish all that I thought was standing between me and my coveted truth. The years have passed and the light in eyes was almost but gone. I have lost all faith and any interest in finding any answer or posing any question. Truly… my ego, my self and spirit were broken.
A miraculous event shifted the balance within my soul and offered a way out. A doorway into the mysteries of life and unto the vastness of existence. I left the tyranny behind and once again, set foot on a journey that would change the course of my life forever. I later realized that I’ve devoted a decade of my life to the study of darkness. I lived in the shadows and suffered the consequences of attempting to distinguish my own light.
I couldn’t have asked for nor dreamed or imagined a more empowering journey lying ahead even if I tried to. From the depth of darkness to the most fulfilling peaks of light. A journey which started as an emperor, having my say and ruling my rule, turning to a spiraling fall into the abyss, holding the position of a lowly servant having my life destroyed. Yet life had one more twist. One more surprise that I could not have dreamed of calling my own. Rising as a phoenix from the ashes, a blazing dragon illuminated from within. Soaring the infinite skies of the divine benevolent spirits. Brother sun has illuminated my soul.
I have learned to see and ignite that hidden flame within me. I was and am given the opportunity to witness life’s most innate beauty. Once again live my life with that same sense of awe and wonder I once had as I was born. To witness life anew every single day. To breathe the sweet air life is choosing to breathe through me. To experience the sound of creation and the miracle of loving another. I live inspired. In spirit. I get to feel the music of nature and the silence of the stars. Commune with the angelic realms and invoke the celestial heart.
Today, I celebrate not who I am, as that is still, and always will be in the making, but who I have become. The choices I’ve made and the triumphs I’ve had. The friends and love, the depth and the beauty. My heart is full and my hands are open. My voice is clear and my soul abundant. I live in gratitude and sing my song. I dance in appreciation and paint with delight. I couldn’t have asked for a more magical experience, couldn’t have imagined this big.
Oh Life, my Queen, I am forever at your service, forever full in your light.