My life, though an epic one so far, wasn’t easy. I’ve lived through tremendous pain and even tragedy. I was tried again and again. My will broken and faith questioned. I had so many moments of being close to giving up. But somehow, something in me wouldn’t let go. I had a persistent stubbornness, an unwavering sense of faith that I will find my way home, home to myself, to my heart.
I just knew I can heal. I knew there would be a way even if I can’t see it at the moment. I would look in the mirror and count my scars. Oh so many battles, so many wars have been fought. So much tragedy in the name of love. So much betrayal with the promise of a better tomorrow.
I knew as I set out for this journey, that what I seek is within me, I just didn’t see what. Break the shell I was told. Get out of the mold. Surrender; let go of your dreams. Give your will to me, I, I will deliver you from all sinful reactions – do not fear, do not fear do not fear.
And I tried. Oh boy did I try. As a faithful stonemason I just kept hammering. Chiseling away at my heart. Bleeding my life out of my soul. It hurts? I must be getting closer. It’s painful? This path must be right.
But somehow, somewhere… something within was crying for help. Something within me, an invisible voice kept whispering, reach for the light. Dive within, it is you you’ve been seeking, you are the what you’ve been waiting for…
Everything around seemed so dim. Darkness was all over and all I could see. So how do you ask? – How did it change?! I don’t know. It just happened. From deep within a shimmering light began to emerge. A knowing, a calling, a purpose. Love thy self – let your thirst be quenched but from the inside out.
A journey I started when I was nine has seemingly just begun. I was asleep, fell into a dark cloud. But now? Today? It seems brother sun has illuminated my soul. It is all so clear and each and every moment has its place. Even in the darkest of times, still, there I was, waiting — patiently. My heart knew all along. Looking back I realize that sometimes in calling the shiniest light one has to face the darkest of darkness.
I write these words in bliss. Not happiness but bliss. My wildest dreams of back then pale in comparison to the reality of today. Falling in love with my self is no longer an ideal, an interesting philosophy. Words in a book or the rhyme of a song. Love has found its safe harbor in me and I my solace in her.
I write these words in hopes that for someone they will be a lighthouse amidst a blackened oceanic night. A reminder that the truth you seek is truly there. That love, truly, finds its way against all odds. That your heart knows, and has always known. Please trust me when I say — it’s not about your scars, it truly is, all about your heart. Never give up, never give up and never give up. Seek, ask for help, ask for a northern star to light your path. Have faith, not hope – faith. Faith that you’ve already handled this situation, that you’ve called in this darkness so you can see how bright and shining you are.
Please, look within. Smile often. Hug somebody and give with all that you’ve got. You do, no matter what, know your truth. You do, no matter what know your own worth. You’re not enough my friend, you are plenty. You have and always had everything you’ll ever need.
I write these words with tears in my eyes, as I truly never imagined in those dark, horrific nights that I’d ever see the dawn of loving my self so deeply. Of living with such knowing, such profound peace. And don’t get me wrong; life will always challenge you, that’s what she does best. But it’s not a monologue; she doesn’t have the final say. It’s a dance, a togetherness that we’re privileged to experience. She says this and you give meaning as that. She says that, and you say ok, but also – this.
And so, if you’re still breathing, you still have the final say. The conversation is still going on. Your life is a poem that is still being written. But even when, one day, you’ll take your final breath, even then, she’ll say – ‘ok – so how about that!’ And you’ll say – well, this is a beginning of a wonderful friendship. An invitation to explore a whole new depth of an unknown experience. Life – see you on the other side.
For me, and my journey, the key that unlocked all doors was gratitude. Oh sister gratitude where have we not been. She brought me to my knees with tears of devotion and lifted me to the heights while soaring the infinite sky. She taught me the mystical ways of nurturing a prayerful heart. She taught me the songs of the patriarchs and shown me the ways of the wise. Investing in that relationship was probably the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
And so, my dearest friend, I thank you. I thank you for listening. For opening your heart to me. For inspiring me when I wake and allowing my creative flow to keep on flowing. For letting me love so fully and share my spirit in all of its colors.
Please forgive me if I repeat myself once more and one final time – no matter what, it’s not about your scars, it is, truly, all about your heart. You are, as I am, perfectly imperfect. Flawed and incomplete. But in that, in that lies your beauty. In that lies your greatness. Just there, in those imperfect perfection you are, and always will be utterly divine.