In Doubt We Trust
Often, in walking a spiritual path, we feel discouraged, fearful or scared. There are so many what ifs. So many moments of uncertainty. In facing our challenges, we often react or respond in ways we wish we wouldn’t have or probably shouldn’t. We judge who we are in relation to our own ideals and habitually chart a plan for course correction. We do after all wish to become better.
And yes, even if it is in trying to become better at not trying to become better, or change, or desire desire-less-ness. We are, as long as we live, in a constant process of organic growth. We, as the trees, are affected by our surrounding. We are moved by nature, by the winds of change that blow and sway us from side to side. Our growth is affected by each other, by ideas, by new discoveries and the dissolution of older ones.
And yet… underneath it all there is a bubbling current of doubt, of unknowing. We idealize living a life devoid of doubt. Of purpose and certainty. Of being right there, exactly where we’re supposed to be. Right in the middle, with very little fluctuation. The place the Buddha calls the in-between. The stillness of a knowing heart. The eye of the beholder. The unaffected witness. The eye of the storm.
But… for most of us, to witness, unaffected, seems close to impossible. We feel, emote, judge and project. But worse of all… we judge and doubt our process of judgment. We doubt our doubting tendencies and wish we didn’t have those at all. In its constant movement, the mind craves stillness, and most of all minds it’s own mindedness.
And so, we find ourselves in a bind. We are the ones bringing about the storm, which in turn takes our stillness away. We worry and in our anxiety we push our calm away. We constantly shift from being here to there and into our past or future. And so, the mystic will tell you, breathe. Focus. Come back to center. Be here, be now.
Well… Isn’t that frustrating?! Nothing beats being asked to stop thinking about pink elephants… It was Einstein who said: “we can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
Trust in your doubts. Witness not your unwavering but the constant flow of emotion. The ocean does not fear its waves. Know your unknowingness. Accept the reality of being an absolute mystery. Of truly never finding your truth. You, as you are, perfectly imperfect will always be an endless enigma unfolding within and unto itself. A finite drop dissolving into the infinite endlessness of life.
Trust your doubting mind, for as long as doubt is walking beside you – you, my dear friend are alive. As long as you can feel uncertain, the mystery is still spreading its wings within you. Be the storm. Fear not fear itself for its cold sharp presence awakens you, keeps you alert.
If you have stumbled upon a path, which is true, for you, to you, there will be doubt. There will be fear. There will probably be opposition. Pressure. From within and without. Those who fear doubt will try to persuade you to walk back with the rest of the sheep. To ignore what you have seen and found. They will try to make you doubt your own process of doubting. They will provide man made answers to questions you have yet the courage to even ask. They will point to the past or a distant future, but you should be rest assured that here, now, they would fear looking at you with uncertain eyes.
Life grows through uncertainty. By those courageous women and men who chose love over fear. Those incredible souls who dare ask and question. Who chose to embrace the mystery and proclaim with gusto – I do not know. It was always thus and thus will always be.
Feel, express, be the mountain and the storm. The desert and the sea. Allow and accept, doubt and question, for you, nothing more and nothing less are the mystery unfolding unto itself. Without you asking the story can’t go on. Without you walking the path cannot make itself.
I doubt and I trust. I walk and I stumble.
I soar the infinite sky as human as human can be.
Fear at my side and courage in my sail.
I dream awake the world I live in,
and embrace the mystery I call Life.